Living Vulnerably in Christian Community
Why Keeping Secrets Will Destroy Your Spiritual Life
“Secrets make us sick. Secrets put bullets in the enemies’ gun.” This quote from Dr. James Reeves highlights the impact of keeping secrets in the life of a Christian. Living with secrets can be a spiritual and emotional poison.
“Secrets Make You Sick”
In my life, I carried a ten year addiction to online pornography. The majority of this time I hid my secret life of sin, unwilling to let others into my guilt and shame. Christians should feel free to bring their struggles into the light, but where can we look for a brother or sister to share vulnerably with?
In his book, “Men of Courage”, author Larry Crabb references a study of 4,000 men. One in ten of these men said they had a father figure in their life and one in four said they had a brother. A father figure serves as one who can bestow confidence in the ups and downs of life and say, “I’ve walked with path before.” A brother is someone walking with you, experiencing those ups and downs as you are.
The easiest way to live our lives is with secrets, to hide the struggles and temptations. Don’t tell anyone. Stuff it deep inside. Convince yourself that you can handle it. Overall, it’s a really poor strategy for the Christian.
Larry Crabb goes on to detail three impacts of keeping secrets. 1. It weakens our courage. 2. It isolates the keeper from community. 3. Erodes our personal confidence.
Weakens our Courage: Whether it’s abuse, sexual sin, doubts with faith, or another internal battle, fear of exposure keeps us from sharing our secrets. We want to put on a good face and for others to believe the mask and shell of ourselves that we project into the world. Fear prevents me from being real and the impact is that my courage is weakened.
When I hold onto secrets, I’m less likely to step out in faith, or to take spiritual or relational risks.
Isolates us from Community: “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” (Proverbs 18:1) Crabb says, “Secrets create distance.” My secrets cause me to keep you at arms distance, fearing you may come too close and see the real me. This is one of the reasons pornography addiction is so deadly. It stunts relationships, limits our capacity for intimacy and pushes the user toward a self focus.
Genesis 2 describes Adam and Eve as naked and unashamed. There was no hiding, nothing of themselves they desired to keep hidden. Now our sin urges us to hide and question ourselves. This is where the Gospel of grace becomes a beautiful invitation for community and healing.
I John 1:7
Jesus bore our sin and shame on the cross. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” (1 Peter 2:24) The Gospel invites us to live in the light. “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7, ESV)
I now have the ability to walk in freedom, in vulnerability, knowing that the Gospel is the healing that I need. Christians have no reason to hide. To be a Christian, at the very base level, means I have admitted I am a sinner. Why would I then pretend I don’t have sin after become a Christian? “Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” (Galatians 3:2–3, ESV)
Erode Confidence: Secrets hinder our confidence to speak with strength into others lives. This is one reason a pornography addiction will hamper a father’s ability to disciple and shepherd his son. How can I come alongside my son and speak with strength into his life if I’m carrying an anchor of hidden sin? Can I challenge him to walk in integrity, if I myself cannot do that walk?
Crabb says, “A troubled conscience shouts a destructive message that makes it difficult to hear the Spirit whisper his life-giving message: “You belong to Christ”” We must first lay down these weights and sins which are holding us back.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1–2)
Will you continue to hold onto secrets? Or will you receive the invitation of the Gospel to step into the light and walk in freedom? This is where the church can be a major asset. A small-group can provide the space for brothers and sisters to share vulnerably. Maybe you’ve been burned by the church, but let me challenge you to give it another chance. Find a new church, or new small group. Use a curriculum like The War of the Soul to open the door for intimate sharing. If your church doesn’t have a group like that, start one. Invite 5-10 others and walk through the curriculum.
You can check out Larry Crabb’s book here and The War of the Soul study here.